Showing posts with label Problem Teens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Problem Teens. Show all posts

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Parents Universal Resource Experts (Sue Scheff) Gun Violence

By Connect with Kids
“One thing about him—he thought no one would hurt him. He thought, ‘no enemies.’”

– Mickye McGuire-Rush, Gregory’s Mother

Mickye McGuire-Rush sits in her living room and remembers her only son, Gregory. “One thing about him—he thought no one would hurt him. He thought, ‘no enemies,’” she says.

Gregory had no enemies and no protection from random violence. At age 15, he was shot to death by another kid didn’t even know.

“Mistaken identity—Gregory lost his life over something he didn’t even know was going on,” Mickye says.

Violence is killing our kids. Murder is the second leading cause of death among teenagers.

“I saw my friend in the hospital die with a nine millimeter, with a bible over it and we had a prayer before he died. Things change from that,” says one teen.

Changing the violence is exactly what a group of fourth and fifth graders are hoping to do. Some of the girls are step dancing for peace.

“We want the world to be a safe place to live,” says Ebony.

They’re part of a program at school that teaches non-violence as a way of life.

Experts say parents may not be able to prevent their children from becoming victims of violence, but they can teach kids how to handle disagreements peacefully in their own lives.

“It has to do with what you control and what you do not control. You control your own behavior. You control what you do inside that relationship with the people inside that household,” says Dr. John Jenson, psychologist.

“Clearly something is not working and I think to conclude that it’s the kids that aren’t working is inappropriate. We first must look at the environment that we have created as adults for kids to live in,” says Dr. Stephen Thomas, psychologist.

An environment that, so far, has claimed too many lives, including Gregory.

Mickye McGuire-Rush says, “He was my best friend.”

Tips for Parents

After a decade of decline, the number of children killed by gun fire has increased, according to the report Protect Children, Not Guns. This report from the Children’s Defense Fund, used data from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, to compile this list of statistics:

3,006 children and teens died from gunfire in the United States in 2005—one child or teen every three hours, eight every day, 58 children and teens every week.
1,972 were homicide victims
822 committed suicide
212 died in accidental or undetermined circumstances
2,654 were boys
352 were girls
404 were under age 15
131 were under age 10
69 were under age 5
1,624 were White
1,271 were Black
614 were Latino*
60 were Asian or Pacific Islander
51 were American Indian or Alaska Native


The number of children and teens in America killed by guns in 2005 would fill 120 public school classrooms of 25 students each.

In 2005, 69 preschoolers were killed by firearms compared to 53 law enforcement officers killed in the line of duty.

Since 1979, gun violence has snuffed out the lives of 104,419 children and teens in America. Sixty percent of them were White; 37 percent were Black.

The number of Black children and teens killed by gunfire since 1979 is more than 10 times the number of Black citizens of all ages lynched in American history.

The number of children and teens killed by guns since 1979 would fill 4,177 public school classrooms of 25 students each.

More than five times as many children and teens suffered non-fatal gun injuries.

181 more children and teens died from firearms in 2005 than in 2004—the first annual increase since 1994.

68 more children and teens died from homicide in 2005 than in 2004.

56 more White, 122 more Black, 40 more Hispanic, and 9 more Asian and Pacific Islander children and teens died in 2005 than in 2004.

More 10- to 19-year-olds die from gunshot wounds than from any other cause except motor vehicle accidents.

Almost 90 percent of the children and teens killed by firearms in 2005 were boys.

Black children and teens are more likely to be victims of firearm homicide. White children and teens are more likely to commit suicide.

The firearm death rate for Black males ages 15 to 19 is more than four times that of comparable White males.

A Black male has a 1 in 72 chance of being killed by a firearm before his 30th birthday; a White male has a 1 in 344 chance.

Eight times as many White children and teens committed suicide by gun as Black children and teens.

Males ages 15 to 19 are almost eight times as likely as females that age to commit suicide with a firearm.

The following behaviors and actions may be viewed as risk factors indicative of the potential for the initiation of violence by a child or adolescent:


Has a history of tantrums or uncontrollable angry outbursts
Uses abusive language or calls people names
Makes violent threats when angry
Has brought a weapon to school
Has serious disciplinary problems at school or in the community
Abuses drugs, alcohol or other substances
Has few or no close friends
Is preoccupied with weapons or explosives
Has been suspended or expelled from school
Is cruel to animals
Has little or no supervision and support from parents or a caring adult
Has witnessed or been a victim of abuse or neglect
Has been bullied and/or bullies or intimidates other kids
Prefers TV shows, movies or music with violent themes
Is involved with a gang or an antisocial group
Is depressed or has significant mood swings
Has threatened or attempted suicide

What Parents Can Do

The following are suggestions of ways to help your child or adolescent deal with feelings and/or situations that might lead them to participate in violent behaviors:

Give your children consistent love and attention. Every child needs a strong, loving, relationship with a parent or other adult to feel safe and secure and to develop a sense of trust.

Children learn by example, so show your children appropriate behavior by the way you act.
Settle arguments with calm words, not with yelling, hitting, slapping, or spanking. If you punish children by hitting, slapping, or spanking them, you are showing them that it is okay to hit others.

Talk with your children about the violence they see on TV, in video games, at school, at home, or in the neighborhood. Discuss why violence exists in these contexts and what the consequences of this violence are.

Try to keep your children from seeing too much violence: limit their TV time, and screen the programs they watch. Seeing a lot of violence can lead children to behave aggressively.

Make sure your children do not have access to guns. If you own firearms or other weapons, unload them and lock them up separately from the bullets. Never store firearms where children can find them, even if unloaded. Also, talk with your children about how dangerous weapons can be.

Involve your children in setting rules for appropriate behavior at home; this will help them understand why the rules should be followed. Also ask your children what they think an appropriate punishment would be if a rule were broken.

Teach your children nonaggressive ways to solve problems by discussing problems with them, asking them to consider what might happen if they use violence to solve problems, and talking about what might happen if they solve problems without violence.

Listen to your children and respect them. They will be more likely to listen and respect others if they are listened to and treated with respect.

Note any disturbing behaviors in your child such as angry outbursts, excessive fighting, cruelty to animals, fire setting, lack of friends, or alcohol/drug use. These can be signs of serious problems.

Don't be afraid to get help for your child if such behaviors exist, and talk with a trusted professional in the community.

References
National Center for Injury Prevention and Control
National Safety Council
SafeUSA - National Center for Injury Prevention and Control
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Children’s Defense Fund

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Parents Universal Resource Experts (Sue Scheff) When Your Teen is Caught Shoplifting


By Education.com Patricia Smith


You answer the phone and cringe. Your 14 year-old son walked out of Martin’s Market with a six-pack of Pepsi under his jacket without paying, so says Officer Jones on the other end of the line. Driving to the market to retrieve your son and face Mr. Martin, you wonder, is shoplifting just kid stuff? Or is my son diving headlong into a life of crime?

Take a deep breath. Most likely, this first shoplifting incident doesn’t signal trouble ahead. Even though your son had plenty of change in his pocket and Pepsi in the fridge, doesn’t mean he’s leaving your family to join the Sopranos.

Shoplifting is sometimes viewed as an adolescent rite of passage, albeit an illegal one. The National Crime Prevention Council (NCPC) reports that 24% of apprehended shoplifters are teens, aged 13-17 years old. Teens steal on an impulse or for a thrill. Peer pressure is often cited as the reason. While you might feel motivated to send your son to the doghouse, even McGruff the Crime Dog, icon of the NCPC, recommends that you don’t overreact to the first offense. That said, do take the following steps to convey your concern to your child:

Decide on the consequences beforehand. One in four shoplifters caught is a teen. Think about how you’d handle things if your child was caught shoplifting. Be sure to share your thoughts with your spouse. It’s important to present a united front if an incident does occur.

Remain calm at the scene of the crime. Confronting your child will only add to the humiliation and embarrassment he is probably feeling. Get all the facts. Listen to the authorities and agree to take an active role in the solution.

Allow a cooling off period. Best not to unload on your son the minute you reach your driveway.
Take time, at least a day, to let everyone cool off before discussing the incident. Present corrective action in a timely manner. Lay out the consequences to your son as soon as possible.
If too much time passes, the consequences won’t connect to the action. Be firm, but caring.

Follow through. Important life lessons will be lost if you don’t follow through on your disciplinary actions. Keep your word.

Shoplifting is a serious offense, but most teens are experimenting when they try it—never believing they’ll get caught. When they are, they feel remorse and seldom repeat the offense. So take those sticky fingers seriously, but know that you probably don’t have a future mobster on your hands—just a child who needs help learning from his mistakes.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Sue Scheff: How to talk to your kids about Sex, Drugs and Alcohol


By ParentingMyTeen.com


These are subjects you’ll want to talk about with your children before there is a problem. As a family, you can establish boundaries and consequences and come to a common understanding of what is acceptable.Sex: According to Advocates for Youth, statistics indicate that children who talk to their parents about sex are less likely to engage in high-risk behavior, such as having sex without condoms.

70.6% of teens who reported they didn’t feel comfortable talking to their parents had sex by age 17-19. That compares to 57.9% of teens who reported a close relationship.

It’s true. Not talking to your children about sex isn’t that likely to keep them from doing it. But the opposite is also true. Talking to them about it, isn’t more likely to have them engaging in sexual activity. If it means having sexually active children behaving maturely, talking things out can only help keep our kids safer.

If you think your child is already having sex, chat with them about it. Don’t get angry, but approach it in a calm and reasonable manner. Talk to them about your experiences and be honest. If your child has a boyfriend/girlfriend and things seem to be getting serious, start the conversation if you haven’t already. Above all, make sure they are being safe.

Drugs & Alcohol: Many professionals agree that when parents talk to their kids about drugs and alcohol, those discussions are very likely to shape the child’s attitude about those subjects.

Before you talk to your kids - educate yourself. Check with your local school, library or even look online for the straight facts about drugs and alcohol. Simply telling your kids, “Drugs and alcohol are dangerous,” isn’t going to be as efficient as truly illustrating the very real dangers of substance abuse. Try not to lecture, listen to what your kids have to say and really talk about the issues.

As always, keep it casual. If you spend time with your teenagers and keep the lines of communication open, bringing up the subject is much easier.

Signs of Drug & Alcohol Use: Look out for these tell-tale signs that your child might be using drugs or alcohol:

• Loss of interest in family and other usual activities.
• Not living up to responsibilities.
• Verbally or physical abusiveness.
• Coming home late.
• Increased dishonesty.
• Declining grades.
• Severe mood swings.
• Big change in sleeping patterns..

Understand that a lot of the above signs, especially near the top of the list, could mean a multitude things. Teenagers who are depressed can act in similar ways. When approaching your child, don’t be accusatory. Try to connect with them and see what’s really happening in their lives.

Additional Resources:

Teen Addiction

This anthology presents an examination of the causes of teen addiction and various proposals to reduce or solve the problem, as well as the personal narratives of teens struggling to overcome their addictions.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Sue Scheff - Parents Universal Resource Experts - Tough Love and Teens


As a parent advocate, I have heard many parents that turn to tough love as one of their last resorts to help their struggling teen.

Many cannot understand or grasp the concept of, tough love or "not enabling" the child to ruin or run the family unit.

Enduring life with a teen that is running the home can result in many uproars, conflicts, arguments, battles, and sometimes psychical and verbal abuse. Tough love is exactly that: Tough. Loving our children is unconditional, but we don’t have to like what they are doing or how they are destroying their lives.

There will come a time when a parent realizes enough is enough!

This is the time that they need the support from outside sources, such as a Tough Love support groups, along with professional intervention.

This does not reflect you as a parent, nor does it place blame on the family, it is the child that is making the bad choices and the family is suffering from it.

Many times tough love is simply letting go. Let the child make their mistakes and they will either learn from them or suffer the consequences. Unfortunately depending on the situation, it is not always feasible to wait until the last minute to intervene.

If you see that tough love is not working at home, it may be time to consider residential placement (placement outside the home). Quality Residential placements work with the entire family. Once the child is safely removed from the family, everyone is able to concentrate on the issues calmly and rationally.

Tough love can mean finding the most appropriate setting outside of the home for your child. While in the whirlwind of confusion, frustration and stress that the child is causing, it is hard to see the actual problem or problems. With time and distance, the healing starts to occur.

Tough love is a very painful and stressful avenue, however in many families, very necessary and very rewarding. Tough love if used correctly can be helpful. However if you are the type to give in at the end, all the hard work of standing your ground will be for nothing.

Actually, your weakness or giving in could result in deeper and more serious problems. Please confer with professionals or outside help if you feel you are not able to follow through with what you are telling your child you will do.

Don’t be ashamed to ask for help, you are certainly not alone.

By Sue Scheff

Founder of Parents Universal Resource Experts

Author of Wit's End!

Monday, May 5, 2008

Sue Scheff: Struggling and At Risk Teens



Struggling Teens, At Risk Teens can be described in many ways, depending on what they are struggling with.

Is your teen struggling or at risk? Are they experiencing the bumps of puberty combined with the pressures of teen-life today? There are many reasons why your child could be experiencing a confusing time in their young life, but it is our responsibility as a parent to try to determine the cause of their inner hurt and sadness that can potentially cause negative and inappropriate behavior. Many teens will close up like a clam, but we need to keep on digging to help our child from sinking to a level of making bad choices. As a parent, this can be extremely difficult, and may require outside help. Don’t ignore it, search for answers then find your take action. Seeking outside assistance is nothing to be ashamed of and knowing you are not alone is comforting.

If a teen is struggling in school with their academic's, this could be a learning disability that has not been diagnosed or properly diagnosed. Your child could also be having some emotional problems that are distracting them from school and hopefully a therapist or guidance counselor could help you with. This can evolve from many sources including problems at home, a disagreement with a friend, or even an issue that they have been suppressing. With this, we always encourage parents to seek local therapist to evaluate the situation. Early prevention can help your child not to become a troubled teen.

At times a child may view an issue as extreme, when in reality it is minor. It is how a child perceives the problem, in comparison to how an adult would see the same problem. Children do not have the maturity parents have which may cause a child to act out negatively due to a minor incident. We may think it is small issue, but to the teen, it is huge. This needs to be addressed before it escalates into "major trouble." Problem teens, at risk teens, struggling teens, troubled teens, depressed teens, angry teens, difficult teens, violent teens all need proactive parents to seek help sooner rather than later.

If you feel your teen is in need of further Boarding School, Therapeutic Boarding School, Military School or Program Options, please complete our Information Request Form. Please visit Informational Articles for more beneficial information.



Saturday, May 3, 2008

Sue Scheff: Teen Cults


Every year thousands of teens across the country become ensnared in the dangerous and misunderstood world of cults. These hazardous entities prey on the uncertainty and alienation that many teens feel and use those feelings to attract unsuspecting teens into their cult traps. As a figurehead in the world of parent teen relations, Sue Scheff™ knows the danger of cults and teenagers’ susceptibility to their temptations. Sue Scheff™ believes that like many other teen\ ailments, the best defense against the world of cults is through education.

No teen actually joins a cult, they join a religious movement or a political organization that reaches out to the feelings of angst or isolation that many troubled teen’s experience. Over time, this group gradually reveals its true cultish nature, and before teens know it, they are trapped in a web they can’t untangle.

With the strong rise in teen internet usage, cults have many ways to contact children and brainwash them. Sue Scheff™ knows the dark side of the internet from her experience with teenage internet addiction, and she understands it is also an avenue for cults to infiltrate teenage brains.

Cults have long been represented in the mass media. The supporters of Reverend Jim Jones People’s Temple may be some of the most famous cult members, making global headlines when they died in the hundreds after drinking Kool-Aid laced with cyanide. Almost 300 of the dead Jones supporters were teens and young children. Heavens Gate is another well known cult, which believed ritual suicide would ensure their journey behind the Hale-Bopp comet with Jesus. Heavens Gate lived in a strict communal environment, funding their cult endeavors through web site development. Some male members of the cult even castrated themselves before all 36 committed suicide, wearing matching sweat suits and Nike tennis shoes.

It is clear that despite the ridiculous and bizarre nature of many cults, parents can’t ignore the power and resourcefulness of these groups. Cult ideas may seem to loony to take seriously, but they can have real power when used against troubled teenagers, the exact type of teens that Sue Scheff™ and other parent advocates have been working to keep safe.

Cult influence should not be taken lightly, especially when living with a troubled teen. Parents may not think of cults as a problem because they don’t hear about them a lot, but that’s the key to cult success. The livelihood of teen cults relies on staying out of the public eye and in the shadows. The Heaven’s Gate and People’s Temple cults didn’t truly gain public notice until after their suicides, and by then it was too late to save their followers.

The danger of teen cults is real, but parents can help ensure their teenagers’ safety by staying informed and communicating with their children. Sue Scheff™ presents a site with important information about different types of cults that target teens, warning signs of cult attendance, and ways to help prevent your teen from becoming involved in a cult. Knowledge and communication is always the first line of defense when helping a troubled teen.

http://www.helpyourteens.com/


Friday, May 2, 2008

Parents Universal Resource Experts (Sue Scheff) Inhalant Use, parents need to learn more


Monitoring your child will make your child much less likely to use Inhalants or other drugs.


· Know where your child is at all times, especially after school
· Know your child's friends
· If you find your child unconscious, or you suspect your child is under the influence of an Inhalant, call 911 immediately.

If you suspect your child might be abusing Inhalants, call the Poison Control Center at 1-800-222-1222; or call the '1-800' number on the label of the product.

According to the Partnership for a Drug-Free America, "if you talk to your kids about the risks of drugs, they are 36% less likely to abuse an Inhalant." Parents can make a tremendous impact on their kids' choices by talking to them.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Parents Universal Resource Experts (Sue Scheff) The ADDitude Magazine - Find out More


The Truth About Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD ADHD)7 Myths About ADD ADHD... Debunked!


YES, SEND ME a free copy of 7 Myths About ADD ADHD... Debunked! and updates on diagnosing ADD ADHD.Free ADHD handout from ADDitude...


Sunday, April 13, 2008

Parents Universal Resource Experts - Sue Scheff - Teen Substance Abuse



Preventing Drug Abuse: What Can You Do?


If you suspect your teen is doing any form of gateway drug, it's important to talk to them about it as soon as possible. Again, it is important to not yell or threaten. You will no doubt be scared and angry, but so is your teen. If they feel as though you don't support them or they can't talk to you, scaring them will only make the problem worse! Try to remain calm.
Assure your teen they can trust you and that you love them and want to help them. Explain harmful side effects of drugs, but assure them it's not too late to get help, and that you will support them. Tell them about any changes you've noticed in their behavior and how those changes make you feel. Let them talk to you, and listen to them. Do not judge them or criticize them.


The first you need to do in order to prevent your teen from abusing drugs, alcohol or tobacco is to take seriously the threat posed by these substances to your child. You have to take seriously the risks posed because this will ultimately be the one catalyst that will allow you to talk to your teen about the problem in a frank and open manner. By taking to heart the importance of the matter at hand, you will be in a better position to urge your teen to do the same. You do not need to be harsh or judgmental with them. It is a better strategy to be as supportive as you can. If you insist on being hostile and angry with your teen, you will likely succeed in pushing them away form you and deeper into possible addiction.


Any treatment plan you decide upon for your teen should be dictated by the substances they abuse and how much they abuse them. For example, to send a child to a strict military-style school because they have tried drugs or alcohol a handful of times is something of an overreaction. Many times if a teen’s experiments with drugs, alcohol and tobacco are minor, a good open talk with them can convey all the information you want, and achieve very positive results in terms of future behavior.


Of course, the story is entirely different if your teen has become addicted to drugs and alcohol. In this instance, a detoxification program may be in order, along with a treatment regimen that helps wean the child off of drugs and replaces that with medicine. Studies have shown that the effectiveness of prescription medicine treatment for substance abuse is greatly enhanced when combined with one-on-one and/or family counseling.


One thing to remember if treatment becomes the order for the day when addressing your child’s substance issues is that relapse after treatment is common. This does not mean that you or your teen have failed any part of the recovery process. Addiction is extremely difficult to overcome and the most important thing to keep in mind is to take things one step at a time.


For more information about Teen Drug Abuse.



Wit's End! Book Information



Sunday, April 6, 2008

Sue Scheff: Teen Cults that Target Troubled Teens


List of Dangerous Cults that Target Troubled Teens, with information provided by Sue Scheff™

There are a myriad of different cults threatening teenage livelihoods today. Below is a list of some of the most dangerous and well known cults, but this is by no means meant to be exhaustive, it is simply a sample of some popular groups to watch out for and educate teens about. Sue Scheff™ and other parent activists realize that providing a source of knowledge and information on teen and parent issues is the best way to help curb the dangers of teen cults.


The Twelve Tribes

The Twelve Tribes is group of religious organizations founded in the 1970s by Elbert Eugene Spriggs. While living in Chattanooga, Tennessee, Spriggs created a teenage ministry called the Light Brigade, which operated a coffee shop. Spriggs transitioned the group and its teen members into a communal living situation and into its own religious splinter group after his Church postponed a sermon because of the Super Bowl.

Armed with his new community and belief system, Spriggs opened a chain of restaurants called Yellow Deli to raise money for his cult. The group continued to grow and spread around the country with their restaurants, while gathering significant criticism. The Twelve Tribes attempt to live in the primitive way of the early Church, following the path of Jesus, and believe they must get rid of all their possessions and individuality to call Jesus their true lord. Twelve Tribe members live communally and share all income and possessions.

Twelve Tribes was accused of child abuse and child labor violations in their various businesses. The group has also been accused of racist and anti-Semitic nature in their rhetoric and some of the loudest speakers against the group are former members, who warn of many dangers within the authoritarian organization.


Children of God/The Family International

The Children of God, now known as Family International, is a global cult masking as a religious movement. The organization started in 1968 in Huntington Beach, California, as a splinter of the Jesus movement of the 60s. The group’s influence spawned the first organized anti cult organization, known as [FREECOG (http://www.xfamily.org/index.php/FREECOG)]

The Family International uses its unassuming name and religious overtones to mask its bizarre cult nature. In its early stages, Family International used sex to win followers and show God’s love. This type of religious prostitution was called flirty fishing, and the cult used this perverted evangelism to win over many disillusioned converts.

The Family International is far from family oriented, in the common sense of the word family at least. The cult uses sexuality is its main theme and has distributed photographs, videos, and writing that promote and show adult and child sexual interaction within the group. Family International has since reconciled these problems, but for over 20 years, they clearly abused children in their ranks. Now, the Family International demotes individuals who report abuse to law enforcement agencies or pursue legal action against an abuser to a lower status in the group, and sometimes makes them leave the cult all together.

The group was founded by David Berg, who teaches a theology based on Christian fundamentalism. Berg is regarded in the group as a profit who passed on the direct words of God before his death. The group follows the Law of Love, which permits any actions that are motivated by sacrificial, unselfish love and are not intentionally hurtful. However, cult members believe homosexuality in males is a sin, but female bisexuality is perfectly fine. Adult members of The Family International are encouraged to have sex with other adult members, regardless of their marital status. Family International also encourages members to imagine they are having sex with Jesus during masturbation and intercourse, and male members are supposed to envision themselves as women, so as not have homosexual relationships with Jesus.


The Unification Church (Moonies)

The Unification Church was created by Rev. Sun Myung Moon in 1954, based on Moon’s belief that Jesus spoke to him in 1935, instructing Moon to establish God’s kingdom on earth and finish what Jesus was unable to complete. Moon was arrested for preaching his beliefs in Korea but was freed from prison in 1950 by American troops. Moon’s religious system grew in popularity after his release and he sent out numerous missionaries to Japan and America, eventually moving to the United Sates in 1971.

Moon asserts he is the messiah of the Second Coming and that his wife is the embodiment of the Holy Spirit. The couple labels themselves as the True Parents.

The Unification Church is dangerous because of its financial and political power. Over 300 financial institutions and businesses provide a front for the group, ranging from clothing stores, to publishers and jewelers. Moon has also been invited to the white house and has spoken in front of Congress.

Despite his claim to be the messiah, Moon has spent time in American prisons for tax evasion. Moon also presides over mass weddings, one of which married 30,000 couples in Korea.

Moon’s book, Divine Principles, is considered to be inspired the by the word of God and is considered to be scripture among members of the cult. Moon uses his extensive and legitimate business system, as well as various philanthropic endeavors to mask his cultist tendencies.
For more information: Teen Cults

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Parents Universal Resource Experts (Sue Scheff) - Teen Dating Violence and Cell Phones




“It’s a loss that you can’t comprehend; it’s a void that can never be filled again.”

– Tom Santoro, father

Studies show that one in three teenage girls has been in a relationship where she has feared for her safety. One in five has been physically abused; one in four has been verbally abused. Even when your daughter is at home, that doesn’t mean she is out of harm’s way.

“The old saying, “If I can’t have her, no one else can’ came true for Lisa,” says Tom Santoro, Lisa’s father.

Lisa Santoro, 18, was brutally murdered by her ex-boyfriend.

“It’s a loss that you can’t comprehend; it’s a void that can never be filled again,” says her father.

In the weeks between their break-up and her death, Lisa’s ex-boyfriend, Timothy Bucholz, began stalking her.

“We found out afterwards that he kept calling her after the breakup. We found out he started to follow her around,” says Santoro.

According to a survey by Teenage Research Unlimited, one in three teens is a victim of cyber-stalking -- harassment either by phone calls or text messages.

“He would call and cry, say that he was upset that she had broken up with him. There were other conversations where he started telling her that he wanted all his stuff back,” says Laura Mejia, Lisa’s friend.

Experts say it can be hard to tell that your teen is being stalked, especially if she has her own cell phone. But there are warning signs.

“You see differences in the way your child behaves. There may be depression, there may be isolation, there may be a nervousness around the telephone ringing. There may be telephone calls coming to your child’s cell phone all hours of the night. You hear the phone ring several times, it‘s the same person,” says Kim Frndak, domestic violence specialist.

“Maybe the child sees the caller ID and puts the phone away,” Frndak continues. “They may or may not want to tell you what’s going on, but that’s a big red flag -- the harassing phone calls and stalking behaviors.”

Frndak says if the harassment continues, call the parents of the stalker.

“You may get some resistance, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying ‘I’m going to call’ because chances are if he’s behaving this way towards your daughter, he’s done it in the past with other people,” says Frndak.

“And she has got to realize you’re doing this for her protection. I know as a teenager they don’t like it, but it’s something you have to do as a parent,” says Santoro.

Tips for Parents

Abuse can be physical, emotional or sexual. Slapping, hitting and kicking are forms of physical abuse that can occur in both romances and friendships. (Nemours Foundation)

Dating abuse is linked to patterns of violence that may negatively affect future relationships. If your child has been abused or is participating in some of the risky behaviors listed above, encourage him or her to seek help from a doctor or mental health professional to cope with emotions or to learn how to stop unhealthy habits and behaviors. (Nemours Foundation)

Emotional abuse (teasing, bullying and humiliating others) can be difficult to recognize because it doesn't leave any visible scars. Threats, intimidation, putdowns, and betrayal are all harmful forms of emotional abuse that can really hurt. (Nemours Foundation)

You may be involved in an abusive relationship when someone …

harms you physically in any way, including slapping, pushing, grabbing, shaking, smacking, kicking, and punching.

tries to control different aspects of your life, such as how you dress, who you hang out with, what you say.

frequently humiliates you or makes you feel unworthy (for example, if a partner puts you down but tells you that he or she loves you).

coerces or threatens to harm you, or harm himself, if you leave the relationship.
twists the truth to make you feel that you are to blame for your his actions.
demands to know where you are at all times.

constantly becomes jealous or angry when you want to spend time with your friends.
If you believe you are in an abusive relationship and you want to end it, experts recommend:

First, make sure you're safe. A trusted adult can help. If the person has physically attacked you, get medical attention or call the police immediately. Don’t wait; assault is illegal, and so is rape — even if it's done by someone you are dating. (Nemours Foundation)

Avoid the tendency to isolate yourself from your friends and family. You might feel like you have nowhere to turn, or you might be embarrassed about what's been going on, but this is when you need support the most. People such as counselors, doctors, teachers, coaches, and friends will want to help you, so let them. (Nemours Foundation)

Ending abuse and violence in teen relationships is a community effort with plenty of people ready to help. Seek out crisis centers, teen help lines and abuse hotlines. These organizations have professionally-trained staff to listen, understand and help. (Nemours Foundation)


References
Nemours Foundation

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Sue Scheff: Invincibility Theory Among Teens

By Connect with Kids


“I just like to see how far I can go and what I can do and what I can accomplish out[side] of the everyday norm.”

– Allan, 17

It has been said a thousand times: the biggest reason kids drink and drive, take drugs and do all kinds of crazy, dangerous stunts is that they think they’re immortal, invincible and bullet-proof. But is this what teenagers really think?

“It’s a sense of freedom, I guess,” says Allan, 17.

Allan is a self-proclaimed risk-taker.

“I just like to see how far I can go and what I can do and what I can accomplish out[side] of the everyday norm,” says Allan.

Risky behaviors can include rock-climbing, skydiving, street racing and even unprotected sex. It’s often said that teenagers feel invincible – but do they really feel this way? Researchers at UC San Francisco say no. In fact, they found that teenagers actually overestimate the danger of certain activities. And, while they know there are risks, they think the benefits and the fun are worth it.

“[Teenagers] are -- compared to an adult -- relatively uninformed. And if they are a novice and inexperienced with alcohol, drugs or sex, or any of those things -- as everyone is in the beginning -- they don’t know what to expect. Very often they don’t fully understand the complete nature of the risks they’re taking,” says Jeffrey Rothweiler, Ph.D., clinical psychologist.

“It might be that because the frontal lobes are not yet fully developed during adolescence that they’re more likely to make decisions, that they don’t fully think through the consequences of their actions,” says Elizabeth Sowell, Ph.D., neuroscientist. The prefrontal cortex matures the most between the ages of 12 and 20.

Allan knows there is a potential for injury with some of the risky actions he takes.

“I guess death is a factor, or getting paralyzed or … hitting the ground while you’re climbing. But you just try not to think about it, keep a positive attitude,” says Allan.

But in his mind, the benefits are worth it.

“Just being able to look back and see that you’ve done something. That you’ve accomplished ... a rapid or a rock or a trail or something like that,” says Allan.

Tips for Parents

Research shows that certain approaches to parenting can help prevent teens from engaging in all types of risky behaviors, from drug and alcohol use to dangerous driving to sexual activity. This includes having a warm, loving and close relationship with your teen; setting and consistently enforcing clear rules and consequences; closely monitoring your teen's activities and whereabouts; respecting your teen; and setting a good example, especially when it comes to illicit drug and alcohol use. (Office of National Drug Control Policy)
Encourage safe driving, healthy eating and good school performance; discourage drug use, teen sex and activities that may result in injury. (U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, HHS)
Teach healthy habits. Teach your teenager how to maintain a high level of overall health through nutrition, physical fitness and healthy behaviors. Make sure your teen gets eight hours of sleep a night -- a good night’s sleep helps ensure maximum performance in academics and sports. Sleep is the body’s way of storing new information to memory and allowing muscles to heal. (HHS)

Promote safe driving habits. Make sure your teenager uses a seat belt every time he or she is in a car, and ask your child to ensure that all other passengers are wearing their seatbelts when he or she is driving. Encourage your young driver to drive responsibly by following speed limits and avoiding distractions while driving such as talking on a cell phone, focusing on the radio or even looking at fellow passengers instead of the road. (HHS)

Promotion of school success. Help your teen to become responsible for attendance, homework and course selection. Be sure to have conversations with your child about school and show your interest in his or her school activities. (HHS)

Prevent violence. Prevent bullying by encouraging peaceful resolutions and building positive relationships. Teach teens to respect others and encourage tolerance. Teach your teens that there is no place for verbal or physical violence by setting an example with your words and actions and by showing them respect as well. (HHS)

Know the 4“W’s”—who, what, when, where. Always know who your teen is hanging out with, what they will be doing, when and for how long they will be out, and where they will be. And check up on your child. Be aware of the dangers that can arise at teenage parties. Teen parties present an opportunity for your teen to experiment with alcohol or tobacco. One approach is to host the party so you have more control over ensuring that these parties stay safe and fun for everyone involved. (HHS)

References

Office of National Drug Control Policy
U.S. Department of Health & Human Services (HHS)

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Sue Scheff: At Risk Teenagers

by Connect with Kids

The Risk Within

Today, the number-one killer of adolescents is not disease or illness; it is accidental injury, often caused by risky behavior. Kids’ lives depend on the choices they make - choices to drink and drive, to take drugs, to have unprotected sex - or to say no.
Of course, not all risks are harmful, and in fact, taking some risks - trying out for a sports team or the school play, asking someone out, learning a new skill - is a valuable part of growing up. What can you do to help children make smart choices? How can you prevent them from hurting themselves or others?

Kids don’t always listen to adult warnings about the consequences of risky behaviors... but they will listen to the kids in The Risk Within- kids they can relate to... stories they can learn from and talk about with parents and teachers.

This Connect with Kids has been awarded the Parents’ Choice Award. Programs are used in homes and schools across the country, recommended by teachers, Safe and Drug Free Counselors, health counselors and other educators.

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Do you have a struggling teen? At risk teens? Defiant Teen? Teen Depression? Problem Teen? Difficult Teen? Teen Rage? Teen Anger? Teen Drug Use? Teen Gangs? Teen Runaways? Bipolar? ADD/ADHD? Disrespectful Teen? Out of Control Teen? Peer Pressure?

Find about more about Boarding Schools, Military Schools, Christian Boarding Schools, Residential Treatment Centers, and Therapeutic Boarding Schools.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Sue Scheff: Coping with Bullies


Invisible Weapon - by Connect with Kids


Adults may think children bullies are just a part of growing up, but what if it was your kids saying things like this about bullying at school:


"I had nowhere to go, no one to tell. I thought I was fat and stupid and no one wanted be around me.” - Sarah


“They called me four-eyes, homo…until I started to believe it.” - Alex


“I was scared all the time to go to school.” - Jay


Invisible Weapons is a moving half-hour video that’s ideal for parents and children to watch and learn together. Painful, true stories show how kids are taunted and teased by children bullies, harassed and excluded, and how bullying at school made them victims of nasty rumors and gossip.


It’s More Than Just Bullying at School


Bullies and “mean girls” leave wounds that often go deeper than broken bones and bloody noses. You’ll hear from victims as they tell how bullying at school affected their grades, their self-confidence and their relationships.


Listen as children bullies themselves share their stories and regrets. “Maybe I thought making fun of Sarah was cool,” says Ashley, “or that it would make me have more friends.”


There are ways to stop this kind of emotional pain. Hear what experts have to say by ordering Invisible Weapons to learn what you can do about children bullies.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Parents Universal Resource Experts: Supervising Parties by Connect with Kids


“As we walked out to the street to see what all the commotion was about, the van had 30-foot flames shooting out of it. Someone had screamed that there was a girl inside who they had pulled out of the van.”

– Bill Strickland, father

With spring break and prom just around the corner, parents have good reason to be extra vigilant about underage drinking -- and not just to protect their own kids. With more states enacting parental liabilities laws than ever before, parents also have to protect themselves.

Brad Brake and Bill Strickland are neighbors, and their daughters wanted to have a party.

“They basically asked if I would provide alcohol and I wouldn’t, and Bill wouldn’t,” says Brad, father. “And I basically let it be …you’d almost call it turning a blind eye.”

The dads’ policy: don’t ask; don’t tell. But more than 200 kids showed up at the party -- many with their own alcohol.

“This is a news clipping from the day after our party. And it says ‘West Side erupts in bizarre night of violence’ and I highlighted the ‘huge party’. Because that’s all that mattered to us,” laughs Shelby, 17.

Parties like this are one reason that 23 states have now passed “social host” laws.

“If you’re a homeowner, you have the positive responsibility to ensure that these out-of-control parties do not happen in your home. And if that happens, if it occurs and the police have to come, the firemen have to come, the ambulances have to come and someone gets hurt, you’re held responsible for the cost to the community,” says Jim Mosher, J.D., Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation.

The police did come to the girls’ party that night. It seems that two boys got into an argument and one went outside and threw gasoline into the other boy’s van.

“And as we walked out to the street to see what all the commotion was about, the van had 30-foot flames shooting out of it. Someone had screamed that there was a girl inside who they had pulled out of the van,” says Bill.

The girl from the van was passed out – drunk -- but the officers pulled her out just before the van filled with fire. For Bill and Brad, there were no arrests, no lawsuits, no fines. But many parents say it’s still a struggle to know the right thing to do.

“I can’t forbid my children from drinking. That’s the best way in the world to have them shut off from me, to not tell me the truth. And truth in my house is king,” says Bill.

Others say the solution is simple:

“We need to stop this, this is not okay. And it is particularly not okay that it’s happening with the concurrence and the support of parents,” says Mosher.

Tips for Parents
Parents need to know that hosting parties where alcohol is being served to minors is not only illegal, but also extremely dangerous for their kids, for others and for themselves, given the legal liabilities they face. (National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, NHTSA)
While all states and the District of Columbia have 21-year-old minimum drinking age laws, more than 20 percent of young people below the legal drinking age reported driving under the influence of alcohol, drugs or both in the past year, according to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health. (NHTSA)
A recent survey commissioned by The Century Council, a national non-profit organization dedicated to fighting drunk driving and underage drinking, revealed that 65 percent of underage youth say they get alcohol from family and friends (interpreted as meaning they get it from their parents, their friends’ parents, older siblings or friends, with or without their permission).
Most troubling, some parents have become willing accomplices in planning teen parties and turning a blind eye to alcohol use in their own homes. (NHTSA)
Laws vary from state to state, but in many states, parents who break these laws could be forced to pay all medical bills and property damages in the case of a crash, and could also be sued for emotional pain and suffering when there is severe injury or death. (NHTSA)
Parents should help plan their teenagers’ parties to ensure they are alcohol-free: (NHTSA)
Help make the guest list and limit the number to be invited. Send personal invitations to avoid the dangers of “open parties.”
Put your phone number on the invitation and encourage calls from other parents to check on the event. Think about inviting some of the other parents to help during the party and to help you supervise to ensure no alcohol or drugs are present, and to help ask uninvited attendees to leave.
At the party, limit access to a specified area of your property. Make sure there is plenty of food and soft drinks available. Make regular, unannounced visits to the party area throughout the evening.
Most importantly, tell parents to talk honestly with their kids to make sure their kids know they are concerned for their safety. (NHTSA)
References
National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA)
The Century Council

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Teenage Drinking and Driving by Connect with Kids


Shattered


It’s hard to get teens to really listen when adults talk to them about the dangers of drinking and driving. Your kids will listen to Shattered. The program features true stories from real teens whose lives were drastically changed as a result of drunk driving. Watch and learn together, and suddenly the pressure is off your own children as they relate to the kids onscreen. You won't be talking at your children... you'll be talking with them.

“I didn't think I’d ever be one of these people, you know, that drinks and drives and hurts people, but I am.” – Jayme Webb, her story, in Shattered

Shattered is a no-sugar-coated, heart-wrenching program, with facts and tips from experts to help parents and teens avoid the risks of drinking and driving.

“As teenagers, we always think we are invincible and nothing bad is ever going to happen to us,” says Whitney, 16. But bad things do happen. Nearly 3,000 teenagers die each year due to alcohol-related car accidents. It is the leading cause of death among 15- to 20-year-olds.

Comes with a free Family Viewing Guide with myth-busters about alcohol’s effects, sobering up, peer pressure, and resources to help you create a driving contract you’re your teens.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Parents Universal Resource Experts: Anxious Teens and Depressed Teens


Leave Me Alone!



by Connect with Kids


We all know teenagers can be moody, impulsive and irritable – but how can parents tell if the tears will go away or if they’re a sign of something more? When your teen slams the door and shouts “Leave me alone!” – should you? Will your child be safe? Or are there signs of depression, anxiety, even suicidal thoughts?


Every parent needs to know the warning signs – when life feels too heavy or too scary for your son or daughter to handle alone. Every parent needs to know what treatments are available and what works with kids.


Every parent needs to watch Leave Me Alone!


You’ll hear actual teenagers talk about their struggles, giving you insight into what your own child may be feeling.You’ll learn practical parenting advice from child experts about what you can do to help your teen face the fears and alleviate the pain.And you’ll hear the inspiration and hope of families whose children are living happier, healthier lives.
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Connect with Kids is a wealth of information for parents. I refer parents to them daily and I am always impressed with their valuable new weekly parenting articles and DVD’s. In today’s world of teenagers - parents need to be a step ahead!


Thursday, February 14, 2008

The Secret Life of Kids: What Your Kids Are Doing Shouldn’t Be a Mystery


Who’s pressuring your kids? Who’s offering them alcohol or drugs? Who’s talking to them on the Internet? Whether we’re teachers, parents, counselors…sometimes we just don’t know what’s really going on in a child’s life. If you want to talk to your kids about the challenges they face, but aren’t sure what to say, our programs will help…with real kids sharing their true stories, and advice from experts, educators and parents who have “been there.”



Click here for a fantastic educational resource to help you help your kids!